I see that both of you feel strongly that in your relationships the Dom should be Dominant. That this is desired and enjoyed by both of you.
I do have the desire to be Dommish. Admittedly it waxes and wanes, but I do enjoy it. I enjoy a lot of things and I don't necessarily want to be doing them all the time.
FD - Is it hard wired into my DNA. I'm not sure I can answer that. So perhaps not. Or I'd know right? Having said that i haven't really dug around in my memory for cues that might have been their in the past. So maybe I need to do that (make a note for future blogs).
Greengirl - Perhaps my explanation of how I feel will give you an insight into how your Dom might feel. Maybe not but I guess that's part of the reason your reading this huh?
The main issue we have in our relationship at the moment is that s wants me to be more than I've got the drive to be. She ends up getting frustrated and snappy. Then she feels bad about it. And I feel bad about it.
I am beginning to spot the signs of s becoming frustrated so that I can step up my game at the right time and s is getting better at being patient. However this kind of puts the whip back in her hand.
Is it undommish of me to want to keep her happy and in her place, even when I don't desire to be a Dom for my independent internal needs at the time. I don't know. s seems to struggle with me doing anything for her because it isn't what I want. But I want to do stuff for her. That is part of my internal needs.
Bit of a deadlock on this and at a bit of a dead loss.
I have tried to unpick it for myself.
I know that my desire for s to be fulfilled is strong. And that I often enjoy taking and using her for my own needs and pleasure. Are they mutually exclusive. I don't think so. But there is a hurdle here for us to get over. I'm trying to balance our needs very finely.
Perhaps too finely.
Is it the Dommish thing to be a brute and push on to what I need. Or is that just Brutish. I'm more than that.
I guess I'm still struggling with my own animal here and that is effecting my confidence in acting on my feelings sometimes.
Still, seeing a problem is half of the battle.
D
I am far from thinking that we have it all figured out - I feel like every revelation and step forward is so hard fought for, at least for me. I can absolutely relate to the part you say about wanting to do things for her, and her difficulty with that. If you check the comments to the post linked below - you'll see that I'm not exactly the only one.
ReplyDeletehttp://greengirl-whatiwonder.blogspot.com/2010/02/in-side-outside-up-side-down.html
I was very affected by the comments I read.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing greengirl.
I hope I can inspire my s to achieve that head space where she can look after herself as a way of looking after me and make us both happy.
D
Asha quite often does things for me because it's what I want or need... not necessarily because he wants or needs it. I don't think that makes a man less a Dom... in fact, I think it's makes him a good Dom because he's recognizing his subs needs and desires and making sure she stays fulfilled. In doing that, she feels driven to do more for him... to fulfill his needs and desires.
ReplyDeleteI think too many people are under the impression that a Dom is only supposed to demand what he wants from his sub, whether or not it's what she wants or needs. But I honestly feel that type of attitude ultimately ends up creating an imbalance in the relationship. It's very one-sided and I've never seen a situation where it has worked for the long term.
Also keep in mind that a sub will have cravings to go further, faster... but it's not necessarily what she needs. Sometimes a Dom just has to temper that impulse. And truth be told, I've felt more secure in my submission having Asha tell me that he doesn't feel I'm ready for something than I would have had he done what I wanted. That's not to say I wasn't disappointed, but I did feel good knowing he was doing what he thought was best for me. Sometimes, that's what we really need.
turiya
Thank you Turiya.
ReplyDeleteI related to this comment a lot, in fact I recall having a very similar conversation with s recently regarding the want/need dynamic and how being disappointed in the moment can be a good thing for the bigger picture. I think we related that particular nugget to the idea that anticipation is often half the fun.
Almost as if frustration is a pleasure in itself.
D