I believe that I have learnt from past errors my own and others that there is nothing as stilted and lost as a relationship trying to be something that it is not.
So with that in mind I have been pondering on the little problem of orgasm control and punishment for failure.
I can't remember the exact chain of thoughts that made us/me put that restriction in place. A disconnect between us sexually. A hope that it might bring our sexual needs more in line. That ball park anyway.
s seems to have become even more sexual aroused since we started not just the orgasm restriction but the whole D/s lifestyle. She may have just started showing me what was previously hidden.
Anyway, there is some tension between us about this because she has failed to not come on a few occasions, 25% of the time when I asked her to estimate.
I am disappointed. I have not punished very much, certainly not consistently.
Why not?
I have a few excuses but the truth is I don't know. on some level I am not that bothered, it doesn't effect me in any other area of my life. But I am frustrated that a goal that we have set for our relationship is not being met. I am kind of used to this happening as it is a part of reality, especially with two kids and some health issues. I'm not exactly expecting s to fail, but my default reaction has been 'she's struggling, I'll pitch in and get us over this hump'. So its difficult now to switch on a kind of opposite reaction.
On another level I am annoyed that s talks a big game about submitting but actually what she seems to thrive on is provoking a response in me. Now I am beginning to understand her enjoyment of play and power and spanking is definitely enjoyable for her. However when it is something we have both agreed on it seems immature to abuse it for personal gain. So this emotion sticks in my craw.
On another level, if we have achieved a closer sexual bond, and its failing to be taken seriously by either of us, do we need orgasm restriction any more? Or can we ditch it in favour of the next strategy.
D
It does seem to me that orgasms and their control are very individual. You know her better than anyone else, if you decide this is important, it should be your way, your decision. That having been said, it's not meant to be a game of power struggle, in any area.
ReplyDeleteyes greengirl
ReplyDeletethat describes exactly the difficult balance that I have been trying to draw.
s is so hungry to feel my power (gosh it sounds so trite writing that) but i am trying to make it a healthy transfer of power.
we had a long conversation last night about this issue and hopefully resolved some of the issues, but it was a long protracted discussion and we both had to go back and analyse decisions we made months ago.
The main point that came out was that I was restricting her orgasm to help our whole relationship gain a bit more sexual balance, but not for sexual pleasure in itself.
This was difficult for s to accept so we have added a sexual element in our daily routine.
I have also removed the need for s to not orgasm before sleep time as she suffers from insomnia and an orgasm often helps her sleep.
D