I am pretty hopeless at being a dom in some senses, I think I haave got to grips with the basics of the kinky sex which I was interested in and physically ready for but the mental side still eludes me a little. I am not used to being in charge of s, I don’t really relish being in charge of anybody and that is a difficult thing for me to rectify. I’m not sure where that feeling comes from in my psyche, I don’t know if it is something I have consciously put there or is learnt or is genetic. I’m reluctant to change it because I am scared enough about my actions when a little power goes to my head which is why I have shunned it in the past, I haven’t like the me that calls the shots, I am too impulsive and inconsiderate to be a good master and inconsistent and insensitive.
Monday, 14 March 2011
I am so not relaxed with her at the moment and vice versa. In fact I know that I have difficulty relaxing most of the time. There is an element of it that is tiredness but there is also an element of it that I find it hard to switch on and off between my sexual persona and my non sexual persona, which is aggravated by the fact that so often we will have to be busy into the late evening and can be disturbed by our children. I am distracted by my other hobbies at the moment but s is working so hard as well it is hardly a one way thing.
In reality I don’t slob around feeling sexy very often and am much more likely to want to fuck and clean up than revel in it, which I know is more sophies style. Part of that is the tirednedss thing like I said but also it is a prudishness or at least a disinterest in that state which seems to serve no purpose for me except to make me feel sleepy and lazy two states that I have to fight off at the best of times. Perhaps that is the value of that time in that it is needed rest and I should be pushing that point more often for both of our healths. Sometimes it seems that the more I try to give us rest the less rested we both feel and it is a weird paradym I cannot get my head round.
I am starting to think more strongly about our sexual link but I am not acting on that and I am not making the changes our relationship needs. Yes there have been problems and yes there are issues but essentially they have frightened me off doing anything about them not pushed me to resolve them. Is it because there is an underlying feeling that what we are doing is wrong in some way, that society does not sanction it and therefore we shouldn’t be revelling in it and only doing it behind closed doors with our eyes closed.
Also had a mini row with s yesterday which it turns out is partly down to her feeling nervous of me from when I hit her again. That is still coming up.
We are both not trying to make an issue of it but I cannot walk on complete eggshells with her and she cannot be expected to be doing the same with me. Hard to know quite how to resolve it, I’m hoping that time will heal her hurt and stop her expecting me to be aggressive because then she will see that I am not.
Crossed some boundaries with the D/s stuff that shouldn’t have been crossed and that is the lesson that I have to have learned from this.
Be a master but be a good master not a violent or even a feared master, it doesn’t seem to benefit in the long run, especially when the slave wants to be mastered.
Don’t let my own insecurities rear their head when dealing with the slave. Difficult in a predominantly vanilla relationship where we have such enmeshed lives and there is not the opportunity for distance from each other so easily available.
Monday, 14 February 2011
Thursday, 10 February 2011
me and s rubbed each other up the wrong way ending in a pointless shouting match this morning most undomly of me.
Managed to keep it together to get her to work though which is something. We need to get our shit straight or things are going to go from bad to worse. I just don’t know how to do it.
I mean I’ve got ideas and sometimes there is opportunity but when you add in energy and health to boot we get nixed at every turn. It will get easier as it gets warmer I’m sure but it feels like we need to start doing something meaningful more regularly.
I’m just not sure what is going to work for us and if I discuss it with s she just acts like I can’t make a decision and this is the worst thing in the world. I actually feel that we just make better decisions when we do it together and that’s the end of it. But it seems to resurface again and again.
I think she wants me to take all the pressure off her or something. To be honest I am not sure which of us is working harder or how the balance of pressure lies. I know that I’m flat out most of the time and maybe that is an indication that I need to rest more, which i am bad at doing for myself. I’m not sure if that’s all it is though.
I'm not saying s is not working her arse off, because their is no doubt in my mind she's never worked harder, i'm so proud of her. I just think her and my expectations of ourselves are so high that perhaps we don't always give each other the breaks when they need them. I'm certainly far from perfect in the support department, but i'm better than i think she sees me sometimes.
Guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and open up negotiations and see where we get. We did seem to manage about six months with things mostly amicable so maybe it was just time for us to have a blow up and clear the air, it’s not as if we managed more than a few weeks at a time without Ds before. So there's no benefit going backwards.