Hopeless Dom

I am pretty hopeless at being a dom in some senses, I think I haave got to grips with the basics of the kinky sex which I was interested in and physically ready for but the mental side still eludes me a little. I am not used to being in charge of s, I don’t really relish being in charge of anybody and that is a difficult thing for me to rectify. I’m not sure where that feeling comes from in my psyche, I don’t know if it is something I have consciously put there or is learnt or is genetic. I’m reluctant to change it because I am scared enough about my actions when a little power goes to my head which is why I have shunned it in the past, I haven’t like the me that calls the shots, I am too impulsive and inconsiderate to be a good master and inconsistent and insensitive.

sexually repressed

I am so not relaxed with her at the moment and vice versa. In fact I know that I have difficulty relaxing most of the time. There is an element of it that is tiredness but there is also an element of it that I find it hard to switch on and off between my sexual persona and my non sexual persona, which is aggravated by the fact that so often we will have to be busy into the late evening and can be disturbed by our children. I am distracted by my other hobbies at the moment but s is working so hard as well it is hardly a one way thing.

In reality I don’t slob around feeling sexy very often and am much more likely to want to fuck and clean up than revel in it, which I know is more sophies style. Part of that is the tirednedss thing like I said but also it is a prudishness or at least a disinterest in that state which seems to serve no purpose for me except to make me feel sleepy and lazy two states that I have to fight off at the best of times. Perhaps that is the value of that time in that it is needed rest and I should be pushing that point more often for both of our healths. Sometimes it seems that the more I try to give us rest the less rested we both feel and it is a weird paradym I cannot get my head round.

I am starting to think more strongly about our sexual link but I am not acting on that and I am not making the changes our relationship needs. Yes there have been problems and yes there are issues but essentially they have frightened me off doing anything about them not pushed me to resolve them. Is it because there is an underlying feeling that what we are doing is wrong in some way, that society does not sanction it and therefore we shouldn’t be revelling in it and only doing it behind closed doors with our eyes closed.

When boundaries are crossed

Also had a mini row with s yesterday which it turns out is partly down to her feeling nervous of me from when I hit her again. That is still coming up.

We are both not trying to make an issue of it but I cannot walk on complete eggshells with her and she cannot be expected to be doing the same with me. Hard to know quite how to resolve it, I’m hoping that time will heal her hurt and stop her expecting me to be aggressive because then she will see that I am not.

Crossed some boundaries with the D/s stuff that shouldn’t have been crossed and that is the lesson that I have to have learned from this.

Be a master but be a good master not a violent or even a feared master, it doesn’t seem to benefit in the long run, especially when the slave wants to be mastered.

Don’t let my own insecurities rear their head when dealing with the slave. Difficult in a predominantly vanilla relationship where we have such enmeshed lives and there is not the opportunity for distance from each other so easily available.

protocols

protocols for communication

they seem to have a massive importance for us that i had tremendously undervalued until my s pointed them out. She is such a clever little sub, i'm glad i listen to her.

We are just so much more intune when we have some designated time to re-connect. seems obvious but the benefits are good.

D

most undomly of me

me and s rubbed each other up the wrong way ending in a pointless shouting match this morning most undomly of me.

Managed to keep it together to get her to work though which is something. We need to get our shit straight or things are going to go from bad to worse. I just don’t know how to do it.

I mean I’ve got ideas and sometimes there is opportunity but when you add in energy and health to boot we get nixed at every turn. It will get easier as it gets warmer I’m sure but it feels like we need to start doing something meaningful more regularly.

I’m just not sure what is going to work for us and if I discuss it with s she just acts like I can’t make a decision and this is the worst thing in the world. I actually feel that we just make better decisions when we do it together and that’s the end of it. But it seems to resurface again and again.

I think she wants me to take all the pressure off her or something. To be honest I am not sure which of us is working harder or how the balance of pressure lies. I know that I’m flat out most of the time and maybe that is an indication that I need to rest more, which i am bad at doing for myself. I’m not sure if that’s all it is though.

I'm not saying s is not working her arse off, because their is no doubt in my mind she's never worked harder, i'm so proud of her. I just think her and my expectations of ourselves are so high that perhaps we don't always give each other the breaks when they need them. I'm certainly far from perfect in the support department, but i'm better than i think she sees me sometimes.

Guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and open up negotiations and see where we get. We did seem to manage about six months with things mostly amicable so maybe it was just time for us to have a blow up and clear the air, it’s not as if we managed more than a few weeks at a time without Ds before. So there's no benefit going backwards.

forgive me bloggers for i have sinned

forgive me bloggers for i have sinned

It has been 6 months since I last posted

How easily I put down the community that was helping me attain relationship Nirvana.

I am not the only one. My s has also been remiss.

We have all the explanations you like.

But in the end, explanations after the fact just sound like excuses.

We have drifted. I have let us. s has tried to motivate me.

Last night we went from post coital bliss to raging violent strangers in the space of one hour.

That is not where I want to be. Where I want us to be.

We are strong, but when we break it breaks us too.

Now we start the journey to mend, and heal and rebuild.

Major lifestyle change

Just going through the change from full time working parent and Dom to Stay at home Dad.

Scary stuff.

Many changes.

Is there anybody else in the BDSM world who has experienced the most "normal" part of their relationship changing? How will it affect the dynamic.

We hope we will be able to work through any difficulties. So far it feels ok but we haven't had any crises yet.

Dom drop

Dom drop sucks

anybody got a miracle cure

don't even know why i was in a shitty mood this morning.

know that i took it out on s.

wish i hadn't.

she was feeling all soft and vulnerable just as I started feeling low.

I leaned on her and she wasn't ready

ergo, my fault but also my emotional needs.

bit of a catch 22, damned if i do damned if i don't

s said that she thinks i find it hard to recognise my own emotions and talk about them before they become a crisis.

she may be right

but i find it difficult to recognise my own emotions and talk about them

D

bondage ropes

Just brought s some bondage rope and a DVD to learn how from 'bound to please'.

very good service.

have been having a few issues with s lately. She is letting go more and the weight of her anxieties have been on me. Its tough on the top.

On the flip side, I am getting the chance to show her i'm there for her. Hasn't been a perfect transition. Making a few mistakes, mostly misreading the situation or trying to do too much while too tired. No physical injuries but some mental scarring perhaps.

I tried to rope her last week using climbing rope which is effective for restraining but not very pliable. I also pushed her too far and exposed a lack of trust and a dislike for being ignored while trussed up.

Hopefully with a bit of a fun DVD we can redress the balance a little and start to rebuild that trust.

She really is finding it hard to believe i want this and my slow pace is not helping that, but i am determined to do it at a pace i feel comfortable so that it is not just me trying to keep up with her desires. That's tough as i am realising how much i was just reacting to s's wants in our relationship before.

also been thinking a lot about who i am, and who i have been in my life. I think i have learnt to put a pretty confident face on, but underneath i have been hiding from a lot of fears especially around sex and relationships. its starting to come out now and it makes me feel very vulnerable and un domly to be discussing things that are outside my comfort zone with s. and its quite a contradiction i think to be opening up and exposing ones weaknesses to the person who i am supposed to showing strength to. But then maybe i am misunderstanding some of this BDSM stuff, or if not then maybe i'm realising some of the boundaries of it.

realms

Getting caught up in life and being rather remiss of my blogging this week.

Took the family away for the weekend and didn't get much time to ourselves. Kind of made up for it over the last few days tho ;)

Work has been all over the show and s has a lot going on to so we have been tested a little in our D/s roles and I feel held up well.

Not a very exciting post this one but then I guess sometimes life is not always that exciting.

Sometimes I feel very weird transitioning between the realms I inhabit.

Are there skills to be learnt to make this easier?

Do you get used to it over time?

Or is it always just weird?

D

where my head was at

This paragraph...

"I am learning that I see D/s as a part of our whole rather than as the main focus in itself. I'm not sure that s does see it that way. This feels like it could be a big problem if we let it. So we better find a way of balancing"

...was something i started to write as a post a while back. Not sure where my head was at that day, because it is so clearly that she see's it as only a part of our whole now.

Think it may have just been all her energy going into it that overwhelmed me a bit, or maybe my less intense approach is starting to rub off on her. Maybe both.

organic growth

I feel very strongly that however this relationship is going to grow, it is going to come from our natural urges not from a sense of how we 'think' it should.

I believe that I have learnt from past errors my own and others that there is nothing as stilted and lost as a relationship trying to be something that it is not.

So with that in mind I have been pondering on the little problem of orgasm control and punishment for failure.

I can't remember the exact chain of thoughts that made us/me put that restriction in place. A disconnect between us sexually. A hope that it might bring our sexual needs more in line. That ball park anyway.

s seems to have become even more sexual aroused since we started not just the orgasm restriction but the whole D/s lifestyle. She may have just started showing me what was previously hidden.

Anyway, there is some tension between us about this because she has failed to not come on a few occasions, 25% of the time when I asked her to estimate.

I am disappointed. I have not punished very much, certainly not consistently.

Why not?

I have a few excuses but the truth is I don't know. on some level I am not that bothered, it doesn't effect me in any other area of my life. But I am frustrated that a goal that we have set for our relationship is not being met. I am kind of used to this happening as it is a part of reality, especially with two kids and some health issues. I'm not exactly expecting s to fail, but my default reaction has been 'she's struggling, I'll pitch in and get us over this hump'. So its difficult now to switch on a kind of opposite reaction.

On another level I am annoyed that s talks a big game about submitting but actually what she seems to thrive on is provoking a response in me. Now I am beginning to understand her enjoyment of play and power and spanking is definitely enjoyable for her. However when it is something we have both agreed on it seems immature to abuse it for personal gain. So this emotion sticks in my craw.

On another level, if we have achieved a closer sexual bond, and its failing to be taken seriously by either of us, do we need orgasm restriction any more? Or can we ditch it in favour of the next strategy.

D

Seeing a problem is half the battle

Thank you to Florida Dom and Greengirl for your comments

I see that both of you feel strongly that in your relationships the Dom should be Dominant. That this is desired and enjoyed by both of you.

I do have the desire to be Dommish. Admittedly it waxes and wanes, but I do enjoy it. I enjoy a lot of things and I don't necessarily want to be doing them all the time.

FD - Is it hard wired into my DNA. I'm not sure I can answer that. So perhaps not. Or I'd know right? Having said that i haven't really dug around in my memory for cues that might have been their in the past. So maybe I need to do that (make a note for future blogs).

Greengirl - Perhaps my explanation of how I feel will give you an insight into how your Dom might feel. Maybe not but I guess that's part of the reason your reading this huh?

The main issue we have in our relationship at the moment is that s wants me to be more than I've got the drive to be. She ends up getting frustrated and snappy. Then she feels bad about it. And I feel bad about it.

I am beginning to spot the signs of s becoming frustrated so that I can step up my game at the right time and s is getting better at being patient. However this kind of puts the whip back in her hand.

Is it undommish of me to want to keep her happy and in her place, even when I don't desire to be a Dom for my independent internal needs at the time. I don't know. s seems to struggle with me doing anything for her because it isn't what I want. But I want to do stuff for her. That is part of my internal needs.

Bit of a deadlock on this and at a bit of a dead loss.

I have tried to unpick it for myself.

I know that my desire for s to be fulfilled is strong. And that I often enjoy taking and using her for my own needs and pleasure. Are they mutually exclusive. I don't think so. But there is a hurdle here for us to get over. I'm trying to balance our needs very finely.

Perhaps too finely.

Is it the Dommish thing to be a brute and push on to what I need. Or is that just Brutish. I'm more than that.

I guess I'm still struggling with my own animal here and that is effecting my confidence in acting on my feelings sometimes.

Still, seeing a problem is half of the battle.

D

What is a true Dom

Thank you to Florida Dom who commented back on my last post. I felt a connection with FD while reading his comment. But one paragraph stuck out at me...

'I'm not sure whether you're a true dom or whether you realize your wife has these needs and you're being a good husband and providing them to her. Either way, if you keep doing it, it will be good for your relationship.'

...now I'm not sure what a true Dom is? I have a kind of fuzzy notion of it developing but no text book answer (not that I expect there to be in this crazy world). But my nature is to seek clarity and I would like to do that in the style of FD and pose a question.

What is a true Dom?

Prejudice

Florida Dom commented on my last post.

He is obviously a thoughtful guy, intelligent, caring and sensitive too I reckon.

I'm coming to terms with the notion that somebody like this could be into the lifestyle.

And what I'm really doing is coming to terms with my own feelings about the lifestyle.

I hadn't thought about my anger over FD's advice again until just now. Its an interesting thing that as I begin to accept this lifestyle it is old ingrained feelings born of beliefs that I am realising are prejudiced.

I am prejudiced against my own lifestyle choice.

This explains a little about how I feel slightly disconnected from the me that engages in the lifestyle.

Its not like I'm acting, or that its happening to somebody else. Its something else. Like an internal barrier.

I'll get there. I have this unshakeable feeling that I will get there. A self belief that I will overcome any obstacle. Eventually. Overtime. I persevere.

Exposed. Rent asunder. bludgeoned.

I thought those were supposed to be feelings of a sub.

Feelings a sub yearns for.

I do not yearn for these feelings. But I will tolerate them for my love. Does that make me dominant.

Starting to confuse myself. Time to stop.

D

Have I bitten off more than I can chew?

You have not only the responsibilty for creating/controlling this environment -- but you also have to do it while learning new skills that will ensure that you keep her safe.'

That was a comment by SFP on my last post.

Its sobering to hear words like responsibility and safe. I have been taking a lot of pleasure from our new relationship, and I am aware that there is a shortfall in what I am putting back. s describes it as feeling like I wait for her to stumble before I pay the attention she needs. Being re-active rather than proactive. While I am satisfied and not feeling her need I tend to focus on my other duties as a father, in my work and in other leisure pursuits.

I just wrote other leisure pursuits as if BDSM is a leisure pursuit. I am struggling to accept that it is more than that for s, it is a lifestyle that she yearns for me to embrace as much as her.

I am pulled towards the pleasure, staying aware of her needs, trying to push my own boundaries and hers, and doing it all safely and at a pace that sits comfortably with us both.

Hmm. Have I bitten off more than I can chew? I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where we get to.

D

Shared Joy

I have a bit of a plan forming for this blogging lark. I am keeping a separate diary of ideas about BDSM which I can dip into when I feel the urge to share something.

But what I didn't expect was to be inspired to write by the comments I received back from my posts.

This is part of what was put up by Florida Dom to my first post.

"If you don't mind me giving my two cents worth, remember that what counts is what works for the two of you. There's no formula. What you read in other blogs may not work for the two of you. Remember, this is not a contest with other couples in the lifestyle. It's for your enjoyment.

And you have the tougher job in the relationship. She just has to submit. You have to take charge and insist she obey to bring out her submissive side. And you should push her limits. She may be more submissive than even she realizes. On the other hand, you want to stick with what works for both of you."

I'll be honest that it made me quite angry at first. Who was this stranger commenting on my life. How do they know what I need, what my partner needs. I wanted to respond straight away but I'm glad I didn't. On re-reading Florida Dom's comment I think I have recognised Their intention; to share a joy for BDSM; and an attempt to condense a mass of experience into a few choice words. There enthusiasm floweth over.

So Thank you Florida Dom for sharing your enthusiasm with me. I don't think I am the kind of person who is going to find this community an easy place to exist, but the kindness and support that I have seen on s's and others Blogs

can only help.

From new moon to vampire porn to BDSM

You may remember when all the hype started about the 'New Moon' vampire film.

s started reading the teenage fantasy story book series that they came from...and became obsessed.

After weeks of niggling I succumbed and started reading the first one too. Then I read them all... back to back... in every spare minute I had. And embarrassed as I felt about this, I admit, I enjoyed the escapism.

s read them all twice, three times then followed the fanzine vampire blogs for a while. You might have seen them. Its where fans of the book write missing chapters and alternate endings using the same characters and putting their own spin on them.

I wasn't interested but s read these vampire fanzines for days, weeks, months until she stumbled across some more fruity stories. Vampire porn. s wanted me to read them too but I was a bit of a prude. She said that they were a bit of fun, excitement and harmless. I was more than a bit sceptical even scathing and made jokes about her interest in it to cover my own shyness.

After a little while s followed a link and discovered a BDSM website.

I don't think it is exaggerating to say that our world has been turned upside down and given a good shake.

If you had told me I would be writing a blog about BDSM i wouldn't even have known what that meant. In all honesty I believe I am only at the start of a long journey of discovery into myself, my partner and the realm of BDSM. I hope that writing about it can be some help on this journey.

One thing I can say with certainty is that Vampire porn is not going to be enough to hit s's spot any more.