Dom drop

Dom drop sucks

anybody got a miracle cure

don't even know why i was in a shitty mood this morning.

know that i took it out on s.

wish i hadn't.

she was feeling all soft and vulnerable just as I started feeling low.

I leaned on her and she wasn't ready

ergo, my fault but also my emotional needs.

bit of a catch 22, damned if i do damned if i don't

s said that she thinks i find it hard to recognise my own emotions and talk about them before they become a crisis.

she may be right

but i find it difficult to recognise my own emotions and talk about them

D

bondage ropes

Just brought s some bondage rope and a DVD to learn how from 'bound to please'.

very good service.

have been having a few issues with s lately. She is letting go more and the weight of her anxieties have been on me. Its tough on the top.

On the flip side, I am getting the chance to show her i'm there for her. Hasn't been a perfect transition. Making a few mistakes, mostly misreading the situation or trying to do too much while too tired. No physical injuries but some mental scarring perhaps.

I tried to rope her last week using climbing rope which is effective for restraining but not very pliable. I also pushed her too far and exposed a lack of trust and a dislike for being ignored while trussed up.

Hopefully with a bit of a fun DVD we can redress the balance a little and start to rebuild that trust.

She really is finding it hard to believe i want this and my slow pace is not helping that, but i am determined to do it at a pace i feel comfortable so that it is not just me trying to keep up with her desires. That's tough as i am realising how much i was just reacting to s's wants in our relationship before.

also been thinking a lot about who i am, and who i have been in my life. I think i have learnt to put a pretty confident face on, but underneath i have been hiding from a lot of fears especially around sex and relationships. its starting to come out now and it makes me feel very vulnerable and un domly to be discussing things that are outside my comfort zone with s. and its quite a contradiction i think to be opening up and exposing ones weaknesses to the person who i am supposed to showing strength to. But then maybe i am misunderstanding some of this BDSM stuff, or if not then maybe i'm realising some of the boundaries of it.

realms

Getting caught up in life and being rather remiss of my blogging this week.

Took the family away for the weekend and didn't get much time to ourselves. Kind of made up for it over the last few days tho ;)

Work has been all over the show and s has a lot going on to so we have been tested a little in our D/s roles and I feel held up well.

Not a very exciting post this one but then I guess sometimes life is not always that exciting.

Sometimes I feel very weird transitioning between the realms I inhabit.

Are there skills to be learnt to make this easier?

Do you get used to it over time?

Or is it always just weird?

D

where my head was at

This paragraph...

"I am learning that I see D/s as a part of our whole rather than as the main focus in itself. I'm not sure that s does see it that way. This feels like it could be a big problem if we let it. So we better find a way of balancing"

...was something i started to write as a post a while back. Not sure where my head was at that day, because it is so clearly that she see's it as only a part of our whole now.

Think it may have just been all her energy going into it that overwhelmed me a bit, or maybe my less intense approach is starting to rub off on her. Maybe both.

organic growth

I feel very strongly that however this relationship is going to grow, it is going to come from our natural urges not from a sense of how we 'think' it should.

I believe that I have learnt from past errors my own and others that there is nothing as stilted and lost as a relationship trying to be something that it is not.

So with that in mind I have been pondering on the little problem of orgasm control and punishment for failure.

I can't remember the exact chain of thoughts that made us/me put that restriction in place. A disconnect between us sexually. A hope that it might bring our sexual needs more in line. That ball park anyway.

s seems to have become even more sexual aroused since we started not just the orgasm restriction but the whole D/s lifestyle. She may have just started showing me what was previously hidden.

Anyway, there is some tension between us about this because she has failed to not come on a few occasions, 25% of the time when I asked her to estimate.

I am disappointed. I have not punished very much, certainly not consistently.

Why not?

I have a few excuses but the truth is I don't know. on some level I am not that bothered, it doesn't effect me in any other area of my life. But I am frustrated that a goal that we have set for our relationship is not being met. I am kind of used to this happening as it is a part of reality, especially with two kids and some health issues. I'm not exactly expecting s to fail, but my default reaction has been 'she's struggling, I'll pitch in and get us over this hump'. So its difficult now to switch on a kind of opposite reaction.

On another level I am annoyed that s talks a big game about submitting but actually what she seems to thrive on is provoking a response in me. Now I am beginning to understand her enjoyment of play and power and spanking is definitely enjoyable for her. However when it is something we have both agreed on it seems immature to abuse it for personal gain. So this emotion sticks in my craw.

On another level, if we have achieved a closer sexual bond, and its failing to be taken seriously by either of us, do we need orgasm restriction any more? Or can we ditch it in favour of the next strategy.

D

Seeing a problem is half the battle

Thank you to Florida Dom and Greengirl for your comments

I see that both of you feel strongly that in your relationships the Dom should be Dominant. That this is desired and enjoyed by both of you.

I do have the desire to be Dommish. Admittedly it waxes and wanes, but I do enjoy it. I enjoy a lot of things and I don't necessarily want to be doing them all the time.

FD - Is it hard wired into my DNA. I'm not sure I can answer that. So perhaps not. Or I'd know right? Having said that i haven't really dug around in my memory for cues that might have been their in the past. So maybe I need to do that (make a note for future blogs).

Greengirl - Perhaps my explanation of how I feel will give you an insight into how your Dom might feel. Maybe not but I guess that's part of the reason your reading this huh?

The main issue we have in our relationship at the moment is that s wants me to be more than I've got the drive to be. She ends up getting frustrated and snappy. Then she feels bad about it. And I feel bad about it.

I am beginning to spot the signs of s becoming frustrated so that I can step up my game at the right time and s is getting better at being patient. However this kind of puts the whip back in her hand.

Is it undommish of me to want to keep her happy and in her place, even when I don't desire to be a Dom for my independent internal needs at the time. I don't know. s seems to struggle with me doing anything for her because it isn't what I want. But I want to do stuff for her. That is part of my internal needs.

Bit of a deadlock on this and at a bit of a dead loss.

I have tried to unpick it for myself.

I know that my desire for s to be fulfilled is strong. And that I often enjoy taking and using her for my own needs and pleasure. Are they mutually exclusive. I don't think so. But there is a hurdle here for us to get over. I'm trying to balance our needs very finely.

Perhaps too finely.

Is it the Dommish thing to be a brute and push on to what I need. Or is that just Brutish. I'm more than that.

I guess I'm still struggling with my own animal here and that is effecting my confidence in acting on my feelings sometimes.

Still, seeing a problem is half of the battle.

D

What is a true Dom

Thank you to Florida Dom who commented back on my last post. I felt a connection with FD while reading his comment. But one paragraph stuck out at me...

'I'm not sure whether you're a true dom or whether you realize your wife has these needs and you're being a good husband and providing them to her. Either way, if you keep doing it, it will be good for your relationship.'

...now I'm not sure what a true Dom is? I have a kind of fuzzy notion of it developing but no text book answer (not that I expect there to be in this crazy world). But my nature is to seek clarity and I would like to do that in the style of FD and pose a question.

What is a true Dom?